OK, so back to Garret Haley. He's Sanjaya meets Howard Stern meets Leif Garrett - complete with a Bucky Covington mustache! For the past week I've been trying to wrap my brain around who this guy is, and why they basically never featured him on previous shows. Or maybe I missed something?

OK - I have to say that Garrett seems like a very nice guy. But after watching his unbelievably bad performance last night, it all made sense. Call me a cynic, but is Idol just begging for more "Vote for the Worst" press this season? Of all the kids that they cut, including that overdramatic car dweller they left in Hollywood, how could someone like Garret Haley actually get through? Regardless, I'm voting for him because I love a spectacle. Yes - I'm that guy.

Here are a few thoughts I wrote down during last night's show:

1. OK, you are supposedly trying to find the next great American pop star. Can somebody explain why these kids are singing songs of the '60s on the first night of LIVE competition? Poor Simon having to explain that these kids look and sound too old - you could tell how much he disaproved of the decision. With every rip on some guy's wardrobe or a contestant's butchering of Elvis, Simon was no doubt taking a shot at the show's producers for putting these guys into this situation.

2. DON'T TALK BACK TO THE JUDGES! It makes you look weak. No matter how bad Simon's comments are, understand that he's the only sane one up there. From the constant "that was hot" (last night we even got a "that was kinda hot") to the spacey ramblings of Paula Abdul, contestants should be forced to write notes during Simon's commentary. But the last thing anyone in any competition should do? Talk back or insult your critics. You never come off well.

3. SOMEBODY NEEDS TO INVENT A DVR WITH A "SKIP PAULA" BUTTON. I think I zapped through each one of her commentaries last night. She was extra lame, and the forced anger between her and Simon was not working either.

4. "THIS....IS AMERICAN IDOL!" IS THE NEW "SEACREST - OUT!" Remember how he stopped saying that because he thought it was lame? Here we go again.

THE WINNERS
1. David Archuleta - I'm not sure if this shy-awkward thing is for real or not. But I have to admit, the guy can really make you smile. I wasn't as crazy about his performance as the judges were, I thought the background vocals were a little too strong for him, but he's got the charm to stick around for a LONG time.

2. Robbie Carrico - Part Axel Rose, part Bo Bice. I love this guy. He's got such a soft voice but a great amount of energy. This was one of the few performances that could really translate to today's young audience. This guy is great.

THE LOSERS:

1. Luke "Save More Money At" Menard. Another guy I don't remember seeing before and last night was a big reason why. I don't remember what he sang. I hardly remember what he looks like. Wait, who is this guy again?

2. Jason "He Gone" Yeager. Two words that should NEVER be uttered during an American Idol show - MOON and RIVER. Enough said.

CHECK OUT MY COMMENTS ON THE LADIES AFTER TONIGHT'S SHOW!